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Community Performance Inc.

December 01, 2008

I'm sitting with transcripts right now, working on my newest play. I've been doing a lot of thinking. Some of it has been thinking about the fact that I've lost count now of the number of plays I've written. More than thirty, now. A decade ago when I was writing my first plays, I was so eager, so quick to jump on a story, and perhaps, more brave than I find myself now.

I'm sitting here trying to find an honest voice to speak this next play. I don't know if it's wisdom or fear that holds the question I'm struggling with-- or which question to answer. I used to ask myself "What do I write about". But lately, I find myself asking the question "What can I write about".

In earlier days, I don't remember asking myself what I can write about. It was always "what do I write about", and then, I tried to figure out a way to write it that would hopefully tell the story, honor the storyteller, express a deep truth, and do so without shaming a community. Where is this new question coming from? I know what's behind the question- I feel it in my guts- it's fear. But from where? I don't think it's just one source driving this fearful thought in my mind. I think it's coming from a lot of places. It's coming from watching the stocks fall daily. It's coming from seeing the arts budgets slashed in state after state and project after project. It's coming from small warnings here and there that say "you shouldn't write that story". There's an unspoken "or else". And we all know what that "or else" means. And in an economy like this, it can be a hard place for an artist trying to continue to make a living when funds for arts are shrinking so quickly and they don't heed that "or else". But what does it do to the art? What does it do to the artist? It's such a small thing, that one word. It's just one word's worth of difference. What can I write vs. What do I write. But the word is the difference between an artist and an employee. One word is soul-filling. One word is soul-killing. I needed to write this blog, but was also afraid to write it, too. It helped shake loose some thoughts. The biggest one is this: I was thinking earlier that I was braver when I was younger and didn't think about what I "could" write. I thought I was perhaps becoming a coward because I was actually asking myself the question. "What can I write". I thought that if I were really a strong artist, I wouldn't be asking that question. But I'm beginning to realize I needed to confront my fears, and ask those two questions. And then decide which one to answer. I've been struggling for weeks now, in my head. But as I write out these thoughts, it becomes more and more clear what to do. And that is, to do. I write. That's what I do. Not what I can do. It's what I do. So now I'm ready to hit the transcripts again with the right question. What do I write. It's the only question I can answer and still call myself an artist for the community. if I were to answer the other question, I'd just be doing it for myself. I can't be more worried about keeping a job than about telling the deep story. I still don't know, yet, which story I will write. But I've cleared away the block that was holding me back. OK, so this blog might have been for me to sort out my thoughts on this one. But the play will definitely be for the community. And I'll write about that as soon as I start to figure it out. Perhaps the first honest voice I needed to find to write this next play was my own.

   

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